Monday, August 18, 2008

Entry from Feb 3, 2007

A picture of gramma .....being gramma....* This is pretty much how she treated life. If things were good, then fantastic. If things were bad, well then ~ on it.

Sorry I havent written in a couple days. I needed to do some thinking and try to wrap my head around something before I wrote again. I noticed on the day of and the subsequent days after gramma's death that I havent really cried for her. Oh that one long entry just before her memorial entry made me cry for a bit, but I havent really shed tears for her since that point. The reason I found this odd (that and the fact I've been so at peace with her passing) is because when my grandfather (mom's dad) passed in 1990 I bawled like no ones business. I hardly knew the man as that set of grandparents had always lived across the country from us and we didnt get to see them as often as this gramma...well at least until she moved to Florida in 1985. She always stayed in touch though and always a card for our birthdays. So why cry for the one I hardly know and not so much for this one? It took me a couple days to figure it out and after a discussion with mom yesterday I think Im right. As near as I can figure there are a couple reasons I would cry more for one over the other (although the other was my favorite) is that his was an absolute shock. Like I told mom, she'd called me when grandpa had gone into the hospital and things were pretty much ok with him. He was stable, in good health and within 2-3 days he was dead. There was nothing there to prepare me that I was going to lose my grandfather. I felt horrible and had an absolute meltdown over this because not only because I lost him so fast but just that summer he and mom's mom had been in Pennsylvania visiting and I had tried to get some time off so I could go. Unfortunately, my job wouldnt give me the time off and that was the last time I could have seen him alive....but I didnt get that time. In the 20/20 I should have quit the job and went as family is much more important, but I was young and just newly in a place of my own and had responsibilities. With this gramma, I've known she was ill for months as you can see from my blogs. I've also had many many discussions with her, knew what her wishes were and that she was indeed ready to pass on. I got to see her the September of 2005 when I went to visit my brother, his family, mom and daddy. She got to see me happier than I had been a long time. I also got to spend time with her in August of 2006 at my wedding and she got to see the difference between the me that visited in 2003 and the one in the wedding dress. I know she was happy to see the light in my face and not the gloom of depression. So, yes...this whole thing makes me sad...but am I mourning her? No. As mom put it in the call yesterday...gramma just has a new birthday. She passed on daddy's birthday but as was pointed out, they share a birthday now...his earthly one and her heavenly one.

Anyhow, after much prodding from hubby and some from my SCSis, I called mom n dad. I think I was putting it off because I wanted him to have time to grieve and also the fact they are staying at gramma's place. This means dialling grammas number and not being able to hear her voice. Im pretty sure that's why I simply couldnt bring myself to dial those digits. Daddy's handling this ok, to be honest. Oh he has moments when he looks out the corner of his eye and half expects gramma to be right there and he has his meltdowns but this is to be expected. He'd visited last spring and so the memories are there. Mom doesnt have these memories as this is the first time she's gotten to see where gramma lived. They've been doing alot of shredding...old documents and such. I guess there is more work then they had planned on but slowly they are getting things done. Mom's dividing stuff up to ship off to me and my brother. Whatever we dont want should be donated. The car and most of her clothes (gramma was a major clothes horse) will be sent to the hospice center for their use. They have a second-hand shop there and the proceeds all go to the hospice center for the care of the patients. This is something gramma would want done. The furniture that I thought was going back to my cousin is going to be left. I guess she doesnt need it and it's being used to go towards this last month's rent. Daddy is waiting on the death certificates so he can close off the numerous accounts that she has. According to the newspaper there's to be a memorial mass next Thursday. No I wont be attending before anyone asks. I was under the impression that there wouldnt be a service but Im guessing that the church she belonged to is doing something anyhow to help the community heal. Gramma not only worked in a small resort in the area, but she also volunteered at a hospital in the area and served as an usher in the church. From what mom and dad say, others seem to be having a harder problem with this than we are. It's simply because they got to see her week to week and in some cases day to day. It wasnt as though she hid her illness...they just seemed to know her better than we all did. It's hell having family scattered as we are as we lose touch like this.

I think that's about it for now....

*Gramma being gramma...LOL. She had this habit of looking straight into the camera and sticking her tongue out in a very childish manner.

.oO(well now I know where I get THAT from...)

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