Monday, August 18, 2008

Entry from Jan 24,2007

As you can see by the picture...Im a little under the weather. No I aint sick , at least nothing that wont pass in a couple days and at least it aint contagious. The depression that's threatening to take me over is another story. I feel so messed up inside that it isnt funny. Strange, even though I feel healthy, it's still one thing after another since November. Im sure some of my friends have been worried the last few days as I havent been myself...yeah even I see that. Today all I wanna do is curl under my covers and cry, but I suspect part of that is because Im not feeling well.

Sometime last week, I got a call from my daddy. Anyone who's been reading this knows that when I get a call from daddy, it usually isnt a good thing. When I get a message on my machine from my mom to call my dad....well that feels worse inside than him out n out calling. Well he had an update about gramma. Seems the tests came back worse than ever. The cancer hasnt gone into her bones yet but seems to be everywhere else. The doctors have prescribed pain killers, but wont give her morphine as she lives by herself. They are also sending a hospice nurse every other day to check on her to make sure she's eating, taking her pills and staying hydrated. They've also delivered a hospital bed for her to sleep in so if she has trouble breathing all she has to do is press a button so the bed will elevate for her. Daddy is in communication with Bill (her last boss) who has power of attorney so he's getting it straighter than what he'd get from gramma . Gramma is one of those that doesnt want us to worry and is prone to putting a good spin on everything so we DONT worry. That's probably why she made Bill her POA as we're all outta state and cant do much for her she's more than likely afraid that as family we wont do what is necessary if push came to shove. How do I know? Because Im going through the same thing with this Living Will stuff Im supposed to be filling out...trying to figure out who would make sure my wishes are done if by chance I cant make the decisions myself. Im so much like gramma...I see this now. Anyhow, Dad told Bill we need as much heads up as possible as we're scattered everywhere in the US and need time to plan. Bill's said it's inevitable, but not anytime soon. Daddy also informed me gramma decided on cremation and no ceremony. She'll be shipped back north to NY to be put next to grampa...the plot and stone are already there, her info just needs to be engraved. Depending on when she goes, they'll need to hold her ashes until the ground thaws so burial can be done. Daddy's told me that it might be a good idea to put her in a hospice home so she has 24 hr care. I told him she wouldnt like that to which he responded that yes he knows. I have a bad feeling if the having to leave her job didnt become the final straw, the hospice home just might. Only other thing is to put a family member in the house with her. Only one that's available to go is me and Im not sure Im strong enough for that. Some of my friends might be, but I dont think I can handle it. This is my favorite gramma and it's hard enough watching it from here in Texas...would be worse to have to look the pain in the face daily. I'd probably lose it if things went bad over night and she passed while I was there. I live that fear already with hubby and his smoking, last thing I need to have is to have something like that actually happen. It would probably be enough to put me into therapy (not that I dont belong there now anyhow).

As if this isnt bad enough, Monday I get a call from hubby saying that his work is doing a reorganization of sorts. According to the press release, 500 will lose their jobs and they'll be closing one of their older plants. I give you one guess whose plant is closing. *sigh* Anyone in the manufacturing area pretty much has a position still. All others (and this is where hubby's job falls) pretty much are S.O.L. and wont have jobs by the year's end. They *SAY* they'll be informing the people who wont be required by February and that they'll be desolving the jobs out slowly. The one thing hubby has going for him is that he's been with the company 10 yrs (11 in July) so if they dont relocate him the severance will be pretty good (he figured out the amount last night and it aint bad). With his experience he should be able to get a job in just about any semi-conductor type place. Im hoping we get lucky and dont have to worry about it. My biggest fear in this case is having to uproot and move. This last move from the apartment to this house was bad enough. I had lots of bad days packing and a total meltdown a couple times (last marriage we moved...alot). This one...Im not so sure of. I may be headed to the biggest meltdown of my life...of course being who Im might not be so bad. Anyhow, if we have to move we'll be headed to the east coast to be closer to his family. Not sure what we'll do if we have to do that as I dont know of any positions out there that would pay him what he's getting now, not to mention any of the same type of industry. Just means I'll need to get a job once we're settled...something I havent had to do for the last 3-4 years. A couple friends of mine are betting that he just gets transferred. He DOES have the paperwork saying he can do the manufacturing end of things. They figure at 10+ yrs that they wont want to pay that large of a severence package. Hate to tell them, last time this place down-sized a 20yr employee got the boot. The way I see it is...hubby's anniversary is in July..if they cut him it'll be before that so they wont have to pay extra on him. Because of this, we decided the tax money, his profit sharing and any extra go to savings. The only thing we're putting out for is the vehicles (brakes and tune ups), inspection of roof and foundation and possibly repair of both of those depending on the price. Looks like we need to do some patching too because of the foundation...damn walls look like hell. Dont want to put too much into this as we'll need downpayments n such. My advice was and still the resume, but hang on tight and make them pay your ass to leave...unless you find another job with better pay and a great incentive package.

If you'll excuse me....I gotta drop my brother and my "sister" in SC this news so they can keep their ears to the ground for us. Time to network.

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