Monday, August 18, 2008

Entry from Jan 28,2007

Yeah it's been one of those weeks. It was so bad that hubby and I went out to purposely see a stupid movie. Thankfully, we didnt spend any of our own money as it was a gift card that was given to us by his sister. We went to see the Epic Movie. If you think the commercials are really dumb...then know this...the movie's dumber still. I sat and laughed through a good portion of it because it was so stupid. This is one of those movies that you watch when you're getting drunk....even then it's still dumb.

When we got home from the movies there was a call from my daddy. *sigh* Seems he was in contact with the POA and the difference between Thursday and Friday was marked (and not in a good way). He told the POA that he'll be booking transport via air for this coming Friday and was told if he wants to see her while she's still conscious then he needs to come sooner so he'll be flying out tomorrow. This might sound like it's happening fast to ya'll but I was told that certain information was withheld from me because of the news I received on Monday regarding hubby's job. Daddy felt I had too much on my plate as it was. Come to find out she's been on morphine this whole week and had 24/7 hospice care. He also told me that the priest was called in already and had given her last rites. I have also been advised to not come. Gramma wont be having a ceremony as she doesnt want one. She will be cremated and shipped north to be buried with grampa when the ground thaws. There's a joint tombstone ready and all it needs is the final information.

Daddy also asked me the strangest thing the other day. He wanted to know how easy it was to register a car in Texas. I didnt know and I let him talk to hubby. I found it to be an odd question and figured they were thinking of moving here but then hubby said it was for a 1992 car. I dont think either of my parents drive a '92 vehicle which means it's highly likely that gramma's car is coming here.

Got thinking about somethings that a couple of my friends said this last week. I had told both of this strange dream I'd had around gramma's birthday (Jan 12th). I awoke from the dream not remembering much but under the impression that it was about her and "15 days". The one friend said that if I felt the drive to see gramma then maybe I should be getting on a plane and heading to Florida. My hubby even suggested it too. However, the words of one friend rang in my ears as the others were telling me to go and her words were that "gramma knows you're happier than a pig in slop" or something like that. That simple statement reminded me of the visit I made before my divorce when I was running and how unhappy gramma had been then. She told me that I looked dead and that the spark of happiness was gone from my eyes. Oh she looked so damn sad as she said that. The last time I saw her she was so happy because she saw the light and laughter back in her granddaughter's face again and that in turn made her so very happy. There was so much happiness in her face that you couldnt even tell she was sick. I want gramma to remember me like that. Happy and bright and not with the depression and grief I carry daily right now. I am not one that can hide my feelings on my face very well and I know she'd see the dark clouds hanging over me as sure as if they were as plain as day. As such, I wont be headed out there. I simply sent her a card the other day to tell her I love her very much. I can only hope she's still alive when it arrives.

Because of the dream in the paragraph before, I've taken to putting the phone by the bed. Im going to be putting a few phone numbers with it tonight as there were a few that wanted me to call no matter what the time was. Due to that dream, Im really surprised I didnt get a call last night. Gramma's not one that likes to worry us so Im betting the POA hasnt told her daddy's on his way to be with her. She wouldnt want daddy spending that money just to be with her and I'd half expect with as stubborn as that woman can be that she'd find a way to go before he got there.

I havent told my Txsis about these latest developments yet as I knew she was headed out for a trip on Saturday. She cried for me when I sent her that last email regarding my gramma's heart attack . She was upset that she may not be around when the final straw hits. I half expect she'll read this when she gets home and pop over to kick my ass because I withheld info from her. As long as she realizes that I love her very much and couldnt have her overly sad about me while she was spending time with her blood family. She needs this time for herself. Sorry hun, Im alot like gramma at times....stubbornly holding others before my own needs.

EDITED @ 603pm:
Received call from folks. According to Eileen (my cousin), they have gramma listed as stable but declining. Gramma has good upper body strength but her legs are shot between the cancer in her hips and legs as well as the fact she's been bed-ridden for a week. She sleeps alot but does have some moments of clarity. The caseworker for hospice told Eileen that it was likely that she'd (the caseworker) wouldnt be seeing gramma alive again. We figure she said it because she only works weekends. At this rate of decline they are giving gramma a week. Eileen has told gramma that daddy is on his way and we are figuring that maybe she's holding on just so she can see him one more time. Daddy is supposed to call tomorrow after they get in and settled to update me.

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