We were talking today in chat about a friend of mine and one of the chatters had said "I thought he was dead!!"....when it was explained that he'd suffered such a great loss in his life that he felt dead on the inside. This I can truly and absolutely understand as I have gone through something similar in my own life. Not to the extent my friend, as I still am totally blessed with my folks and have never really been alienated or ostracized from my family. Quite the opposite actually as my family unit was there for me when I needed them the most (and for this I thank all of you...whether you are blood related or not). My "death" came in the form of a sweet talkin guy who proceeded to use me for my good nature and willingness to help. When it looked like my assistance was going to slip out of his grasp (namely the statement I made...I cant make it financially on my own I think I should have moved to Cali with my folks), he proposed to me. Unfortunately, I lacked the self esteem that I was worth more than what I was getting and top things all off I kept comparing where I was in life with where my mom was at the same age. Here I was in my early 20's and I was feeling like an Old Maid. So I accepted this proposal...and have regretted it everyday I was with the man. I figured I couldnt do any better and settle for what I could get...I mean it wasnt as if the guys were beating my door down or anything. I slowly died during our courtship...I see that now....always compromising, let me reword that...always giving up what I wanted to make sure HE was happy. I should have known that things would never get better and the arguements we had while while dating would simply just get worse. Of course, I didnt let on to my family because I was ashamed at what was happening....at what I had allowed to happen to my life. I'm still not proud at where I am, but at least I can hold my head up high now, which is something I hadnt done in over a decade. I can tell you exactly what I was doing the day I died. It was 16 May 1992 and I was walking down the aisle to the alter to marry a man that I know now was absolutely wrong for me. I even had second thoughts as I asscended the steps from the basement of the church to the foyer. Whe you get married, those thoughts should be happy and you should be close to the point of wanting to run down that aisle dragging your father behind you as he attempts to keep up. This didnt happen with me...my last thoughts were "there's the church door, my folks are here and dog I could go right out that door and leave now if I wanted to". I dont know how I quieted the flight instinct to get through the ceremony. I remember it didnt feel like a happy time for me. In my pictures I didnt look happy either, they look like someone shoved a mask on my face and the shots from the ceremony I look stiff...like I didnt want to be an embarrassment. You may ask why I went through this when I had thoughts of flight like this. My friends could easily tell you why. I was filled with obligation. I felt obligation to the many friends and family that came from out of state to be at this wedding. *sighz* I paid dearly for those feelings of obligation for over a decade. The fights we had simply got worse and worse over the years and I felt deader and deader (if that's even possible). I got so I could time when we were going to have one too, almost could set the clock by them. When good things happened for me his jealousy would hit and he'd become unbearable so I got so I couldnt hold a job long at all because we were always moving around to make him happy. By the time we moved to Pennsylvania, we hit rock bottom. Over the years he'd isolated me away from the friends I did manage to get. I took to makin friends online because THOSE he couldnt drive away with his obnoxious behavior. He also managed to lock me out of most of his life. As I look back, I realize that he had an addiction that contributed to his present state. I feel if it wasnt for me there he may have gotten caught much sooner and fewer people would have been hurt in the long run. He used to lock me out of what he deemed as HIS room on the pretext of reading the Bible (which he AND I should have been doing), playing his guitar, and playing a war simulation on those maps of his (he is a master degreed history teacher...you figure it out). Well, that wasnt the only thing he was doing in there ...lets just say I found some pix and leave it at that. I confronted him about this (especially since some of them BELONGED in my yearbooks and he'd cut them out....irreplaceable yearbooks mind you), he said it was nothing and that he'd return the pix where they should be (he never did). This alone should have raised a red flag for me and showed me that things were going to get worse....far worse. There had been allegations of innapropriate actions when he was teaching at a school in N'Awlins and we figured no way could he do this especially with him n I under the same roof. Well I tell you I fully believe at this point that he was doing it. Why do I believe it now? Because while we were in Pa he was pulling the same junk on our upstairs neighbor. He knew more about her comings and goings that he had any right to know Im telling you. I suspect there were many more. I rememebr the day I came back to life...14 April 2003. I can even tell you what I was doing...sitting on a Greyhound bus headed west bawling my eyes out. Oh I wasnt bawling because of him...I was bawling because I had to leave my 3 cats behind and they somehow knew I wouldnt be back. They stayed at my feet all day up to the point I left....and the one got into the window and watched me walk away. I still weep for them because I know the one was more than likely put to sleep due to her age (she was 12yrs then), although my now ex had assured me he'd lied and told them she was only 6yrs...that way she could be adopted out (but why should I believe him, he'd lied all this time to me). That man got arrested in July 2004 for stalking and harrassment (thank goodness not me...although he tried, but that's another story) and still is serving time until at least August this year. So yes, I do believe you can die and still be physically be existing....I believe it absolutely. I also believe God had a big part of my resurrection as He guided me every step the way away from that situation.
This story's being told in the Padded Room...well when I feel like writing on it.
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